COBRA COMMANDER

MY ADVENTURE IS BEING CONVERTED TO 3D, WILL BE DELAYED

Wed, 23 May 2012 17:43:45 -0400

This certainly cannot end well, can it? I finally get to take over the White House and they want my moment of triumph - and the entire movie - delayed.

The real reason for the delay is not the 3D conversion, but that Obama doesn’t want it to look like I took over so soon before an election. He’s got to keep strong, even if it means kicking G.I. Joe fans in the junk.

Hey at least now you’ll get to see it all happen in 3D. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? I HAVE NINETEEN FUCKING EYES!

REBECCA BLACK

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 11:29:16 -0400

She almost put Cobra out of business and did a damn fine job nearly destroying the world with that terrible yet also catchy song. I hope the world ends on a Tuesday. I never get down on Tuesdays. That’s because I hate Tuesdays.

LOST

Mon, 26 Sep 2011 21:50:23 -0400

I have spent the last several months avoiding LOST spoilers on the Internet. I should have just saved myself the time by first Googling, “Does LOST have a shitty, disappointing ending?”

Upside: at least it wasn’t as bad as my life turned out to be. Also, Matthew Fox is dreamy.

What is your favorite Cartoon Network show?

Mon, 04 Apr 2011 13:08:05 -0400

I quite enjoy The Venture Bros. I would like to meet The Monarch. He and I would have some good times, let me tell you.

Your blog is algebraic

Mon, 04 Apr 2011 13:07:27 -0400

I leave the mathematics to Dr. Mindbender. I was only ever good at dodgeball due to survival instincts.

What time is it?

Mon, 21 Mar 2011 15:40:00 -0400

It’s time for pancakes!

Not one of finer moments, but I’m all for admitting past...

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:03:01 -0500

Not one of finer moments, but I’m all for admitting past wrongs and moving on.

But I still hate Nemesis Enforcer.

JAIL!

Fri, 04 Mar 2011 18:22:01 -0500

JAIL! Jail is a place where they don’t let you have Internet access, at least the jail I was in. Now I hear Cobra’s mind control experiments with Charlie Sheen in the early 80s have finally started to pay off! COBRA! Now all I need to do is find the keys to my house.

I also need a new house.

Planning and Whatnot

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 17:59:35 -0400

I’ve been so busy scheming ways to make money the legitimate, old-fashioned way (buying bad mortgages and reselling them at thrice the price, thereby ensuring destruction of the world’s economy) that I have forgotten that I sometimes like to write down my thoughts in this little blog.

What’s on my mind right now is how my bathtub managed to get a hairball the size of a cat in its drain.

That Impending DVD Set

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 22:47:34 -0400

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jazzed about this new G.I. Joe DVD set coming out that puts the whole series in a massive 17-disc collection.

But I am not lying when I say that series depicts me in an unflattering light. But at least I look cool.

I ate some bacon today, for breakfast

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 09:36:35 -0400

I am weak, but at least I have some protein in me.

I'm trying to be a vegetarian

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 23:25:21 -0400

For the past few months I’ve been having problems with my digestion. I chalked it up to the fact that I always eat everyone’s leftovers on Bacon Days in the cafeteria, but when I was backed up days after Bacon Days, I realized something had to be done.

Tomax showed me this infomercial where this man who yells at the camera tells viewers how full of crap they are. You can’t make this stuff up! Well, actually evidently you can make this up, because Dr. Mindbender told me that all your poop comes out eventually anyway. He muttered, “like when you die” under his breath but I pretended not to notice. So there you go. Those folks on the TV are lying to you about your insides, and yet I’m the bad guy!

Anyhow, weeks into this vegetarian thing and I seem to be doing all right. I just really miss the bacon sometimes.

As I haven’t been on the Tumblr in so long, I was suprised to see this new thing called “Tumblarity” in my dashboard. What really sucks is that it has a big zero beside it. What does this even mean? Are they just trying to make me feel bad? Time to hit the bottle of Jack.

Conversation With Zartan

Tue, 19 May 2009 23:30:44 -0400

Me: So essentially what you're saying is you wear women's underwear all the time, even when you're not disguised as a woman?
Zartan: Yes.

My Catch Phrase

Wed, 06 May 2009 22:11:07 -0400

Destro showed me my web stats today and it looks like many readers search for “Cobra Commander Catch Phrase” and end up here. And a large portion of peons believe that Serpentor’s stupid catch phrase is in fact mine. It is not!

Confused, Destro and I tried to decide what my catchphrase actually is and we’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities:

Cobra! Retreat!
Boom! Yummy.

And Also...

Sun, 03 May 2009 23:50:01 -0400

Has anybody seen Storm Shadow? He said he had some unfinished business to take care of but that was days ago. Should we be checking the bathrooms, hospitals, alleyways?

Truthfully I wouldn’t care so much but he owes me fifty bucks, the louse.

Leftovers

Sun, 03 May 2009 23:39:00 -0400

I have a bit of a confession to make. Every night, after dinner is served and the troops are getting ready to get back to their stations, I walk through the lunch room in civvies (not to be confused with Skivvies) to see if any of the vipers opted not to eat their desserts. This weekend the desserts were tiny fudge brownies, and now I have enough of them to weigh down a Flight Pod.

I plan on rationing them for the rest of the week. I’m somewhat dreading going back to the office tomorrow because who knows what Serpentor screwed up on his weekend duties. Last week he managed to take out the DSL - again - by throwing snakes in the server room. It’s almost like he’s trying to make my life a living hell.

That reminds me, I still have to kill him.

I'm not dead

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 23:22:19 -0400

The Joes just attacked in the middle of my Golden Girls marathon. I started one and made everyone watch along in memory of Bea Arthur. We went on a few dates back in the ’70s. When people you’ve dated start to die of old age, it really makes you think. I mean, I’ve dated some women before and they’re dead but that was my doing. Old age… that ain’t right.

Now the AV equipment is all messed up and the screening room is a mess. I’m covered in blood (not mine) and there’s urine in my pants (mine).

I find myself unable to recall my email password again. I’m having the worst day.

Journalist, The Interview I Did With One

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 18:36:18 -0400

Journalist, The Interview I Did With One:

I discussed calling a journalist a while back and it looks like his article has been published. It ends rather abruptly - I had to leave as my cat got into my dinner. I didn’t want to tell him that because it would have been embarrassing, so instead I just hung up.

Easter Weekend Hijinx

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 11:39:25 -0400

‘Round the Terrordrome, things can get dangerous on Easter Weekend. The Vipers have started their annual Easter Egg Land Mine Hunt. I’ve cleverly placed hundreds of chocolate eggs around the base and one of them is in fact a land mine. No one has found it yet. (It is in Serpentor’s quarters - a safe distance away from where I am now).

If Serpentor does not chance upon his Easter Gift today, no matter. Later this afternoon we’re putting on a charity play at the Roman Catholic Church up the road and Serpentor has insisted he play Jesus Christ. He’s been practicing all week, saying things like, “Son, this is your mother. THIS I COMMAND!” and other such nonsense. He also appears to be unaware that Jesus dies during the Passion Play, which is good, because I also plan to actually kill him during the performance. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Journalists

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 18:30:42 -0400

I just called one for shits because he emailed me. I think it freaked him out a little but and now he’s on a tight deadline to turnaround the article because of me.

I love being even, even when it’s in subtle ways.