COBRA COMMANDER

Video Games Videos?

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 21:36:22 -0500

Two videos of me playing and talking about video games have surfaced. The stuff I do to avoid jail time! In all honesty this was pretty cool. Destro hooked me up with this Canadian camera crew. They were jerks but I gave them wedgies afterward. They obviously didn’t show that part in these videos that they edited. Have to get my hands on the raw footage for this one.

Video 1:

Video 2:

Planning and Whatnot

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 17:59:35 -0400

I’ve been so busy scheming ways to make money the legitimate, old-fashioned way (buying bad mortgages and reselling them at thrice the price, thereby ensuring destruction of the world’s economy) that I have forgotten that I sometimes like to write down my thoughts in this little blog.

What’s on my mind right now is how my bathtub managed to get a hairball the size of a cat in its drain.

That Impending DVD Set

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 22:47:34 -0400

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jazzed about this new G.I. Joe DVD set coming out that puts the whole series in a massive 17-disc collection.

But I am not lying when I say that series depicts me in an unflattering light. But at least I look cool.

I ate some bacon today, for breakfast

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 09:36:35 -0400

I am weak, but at least I have some protein in me.

I'm trying to be a vegetarian

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 23:25:21 -0400

For the past few months I’ve been having problems with my digestion. I chalked it up to the fact that I always eat everyone’s leftovers on Bacon Days in the cafeteria, but when I was backed up days after Bacon Days, I realized something had to be done.

Tomax showed me this infomercial where this man who yells at the camera tells viewers how full of crap they are. You can’t make this stuff up! Well, actually evidently you can make this up, because Dr. Mindbender told me that all your poop comes out eventually anyway. He muttered, “like when you die” under his breath but I pretended not to notice. So there you go. Those folks on the TV are lying to you about your insides, and yet I’m the bad guy!

Anyhow, weeks into this vegetarian thing and I seem to be doing all right. I just really miss the bacon sometimes.

As I haven’t been on the Tumblr in so long, I was suprised to see this new thing called “Tumblarity” in my dashboard. What really sucks is that it has a big zero beside it. What does this even mean? Are they just trying to make me feel bad? Time to hit the bottle of Jack.

Conversation With Zartan

Tue, 19 May 2009 23:30:44 -0400

Me: So essentially what you're saying is you wear women's underwear all the time, even when you're not disguised as a woman?
Zartan: Yes.

My Catch Phrase

Wed, 06 May 2009 22:11:07 -0400

Destro showed me my web stats today and it looks like many readers search for “Cobra Commander Catch Phrase” and end up here. And a large portion of peons believe that Serpentor’s stupid catch phrase is in fact mine. It is not!

Confused, Destro and I tried to decide what my catchphrase actually is and we’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities:

Cobra! Retreat!
Boom! Yummy.

And Also...

Sun, 03 May 2009 23:50:01 -0400

Has anybody seen Storm Shadow? He said he had some unfinished business to take care of but that was days ago. Should we be checking the bathrooms, hospitals, alleyways?

Truthfully I wouldn’t care so much but he owes me fifty bucks, the louse.

Leftovers

Sun, 03 May 2009 23:39:59 -0400

I have a bit of a confession to make. Every night, after dinner is served and the troops are getting ready to get back to their stations, I walk through the lunch room in civvies (not to be confused with Skivvies) to see if any of the vipers opted not to eat their desserts. This weekend the desert were tiny fudge brownies, and now I have enough of them to weigh down a Flight Pod.

I plan on rationing them for the rest of the week. I’m somewhat dreading going back to the office tomorrow because who knows what Serpentor screwed up on his weekend duties. Last week he managed to take out the DSL - again - by throwing snakes in the server room. It’s almost like he’s trying to make my life a living hell.

That reminds me, I still have to kill him.

I'm not dead

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 23:22:19 -0400

The Joes just attacked in the middle of my Golden Girls marathon. I started one and made everyone watch along in memory of Bea Arthur. We went on a few dates back in the ’70s. When people you’ve dated start to die of old age, it really makes you think. I mean, I’ve dated some women before and they’re dead but that was my doing. Old age… that ain’t right.

Now the AV equipment is all messed up and the screening room is a mess. I’m covered in blood (not mine) and there’s urine in my pants (mine).

I find myself unable to recall my email password again. I’m having the worst day.

Journalist, The Interview I Did With One

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 18:36:18 -0400

Journalist, The Interview I Did With One:

I discussed calling a journalist a while back and it looks like his article has been published. It ends rather abruptly - I had to leave as my cat got into my dinner. I didn’t want to tell him that because it would have been embarrassing, so instead I just hung up.

Easter Weekend Hijinx

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 11:39:25 -0400

‘Round the Terrordrome, things can get dangerous on Easter Weekend. The Vipers have started their annual Easter Egg Land Mine Hunt. I’ve cleverly placed hundreds of chocolate eggs around the base and one of them is in fact a land mine. No one has found it yet. (It is in Serpentor’s quarters - a safe distance away from where I am now).

If Serpentor does not chance upon his Easter Gift today, no matter. Later this afternoon we’re putting on a charity play at the Roman Catholic Church up the road and Serpentor has insisted he play Jesus Christ. He’s been practicing all week, saying things like, “Son, this is your mother. THIS I COMMAND!” and other such nonsense. He also appears to be unaware that Jesus dies during the Passion Play, which is good, because I also plan to actually kill him during the performance. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Journalists

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 18:30:42 -0400

I just called one for shits because he emailed me. I think it freaked him out a little but and now he’s on a tight deadline to turnaround the article because of me.

I love being even, even when it’s in subtle ways.

It’s like they’re not even trying. I am not Krang...

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 20:50:50 -0400

It’s like they’re not even trying. I am not Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and would never wear anything like this. Thank you, Hollywood, for shitting on my face. Zartan is going to be so jealous.

Ugh.

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 14:13:05 -0400

I just caught myself saying “THIS I COMMAND!” in a non-ironic way. I need a new catchphrase. You know, one other than, “COBRA! RETREAT!”

Speaking of, the battle against the Joes went swimmingly yesterday. No one was shot on either side, but we made a ton of things explode. Here’s hoping Spring comes soon. I look forward to more fights.

Turns out, it is Friday now

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 15:16:25 -0500

I’ve been waking up every day thinking, hoping that it was Friday morning. Today it actually was. What a horrible week. I don’t think much more can go worse. Earlier on the Dreadnoks went and got themselves stuck in the air vents. Zartan got stuck first, because he was trying to spy on me (he likes watching me change for some reason - weirdo). Then the others tried to get him out, each one getting stuck himself. It was a long night Wednesday hearing their bickering echo through the ventilation system. They thought I couldn’t hear them.

We ended up having to remove the entire section of vents just to get them out. And I was left with no heat at night, so I had to sleep with my electric blanket. You know, the one that tried to electricute me on Thursday.

Sigh.

Is It Friday Yet?

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 23:48:58 -0500

An entire squadron of B.A.T.s malfunctioned today. It was a calamity catalyzed by another malfunctioning device: The Broadcast Energy Transmitter. I was trying to demonstrate the various household applications for the device, and during a segment called “Making Toast For Forty Thousand Troops,” I accidentally hit an override button.

Why is it right next to the “broil” button? Maybe some of you Joes would like to explain that. For the record, I never wanted to steal this stupid thing. I was happy with my plan, which was to instigate mind control via reality televsion.

So uh… is it Friday yet? I need to get my drink on.

"Two words: Toilet Catapult"

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 23:22:00 -0500

“Two words: Toilet Catapult”

- My contribution to today’s ‘Ridiculously Hilarious Weapons To Conquer The World With’ PowerPoint presentation. You wouldn’t believe how long it took me to find a good clipart of that.

Just noticed this

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 16:56:19 -0500

Snake Eyes was one of the people who sent me a Valentine. He told me not to sleep because he was coming to get me, but looks like he stood me up. Probably for that harlot Scarlett.

If he comes to get me, I hope the first stop on our date is to grab some ice cream.

Terrible Tuesday

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 16:43:21 -0500

Got to the cafeteria too late to get in on the brownie + Jell-o dessert combo so I had to shiv a henchman for it. He was going to give me his dessert anyway, but I had to act all tough to make sure everyone knows who’s in charge of this operation. Can’t have any sort of dissention in the ranks. This isn’t the United States government, here.

On that note, I do still hate Serpentor and will one day kill him.