September 2011
1 post
3 tags
LOST
I have spent the last several months avoiding LOST spoilers on the Internet. I should have just saved myself the time by first Googling, “Does LOST have a shitty, disappointing ending?”
Upside: at least it wasn’t as bad as my life turned out to be. Also, Matthew Fox is dreamy.
April 2011
2 posts
flapjack-theking asked: What is your favorite Cartoon Network show?
inthelandof-finn asked: Your blog is algebraic
March 2011
3 posts
finnsblog1 asked: What time is it?
JAIL!
JAIL! Jail is a place where they don’t let you have Internet access, at least the jail I was in. Now I hear Cobra’s mind control experiments with Charlie Sheen in the early 80s have finally started to pay off! COBRA! Now all I need to do is find the keys to my house.
I also need a new house.
July 2009
1 post
Planning and Whatnot
I’ve been so busy scheming ways to make money the legitimate, old-fashioned way (buying bad mortgages and reselling them at thrice the price, thereby ensuring destruction of the world’s economy) that I have forgotten that I sometimes like to write down my thoughts in this little blog.
What’s on my mind right now is how my bathtub managed to get a hairball the size of a cat in...
June 2009
3 posts
That Impending DVD Set
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jazzed about this new G.I. Joe DVD set coming out that puts the whole series in a massive 17-disc collection.
But I am not lying when I say that series depicts me in an unflattering light. But at least I look cool.
I ate some bacon today, for breakfast
I am weak, but at least I have some protein in me.
I'm trying to be a vegetarian
For the past few months I’ve been having problems with my digestion. I chalked it up to the fact that I always eat everyone’s leftovers on Bacon Days in the cafeteria, but when I was backed up days after Bacon Days, I realized something had to be done.
Tomax showed me this infomercial where this man who yells at the camera tells viewers how full of crap they are. You can’t make...
May 2009
4 posts
Conversation With Zartan
Me: So essentially what you're saying is you wear women's underwear all the time, even when you're not disguised as a woman?
Zartan: Yes.
My Catch Phrase
Destro showed me my web stats today and it looks like many readers search for “Cobra Commander Catch Phrase” and end up here. And a large portion of peons believe that Serpentor’s stupid catch phrase is in fact mine. It is not!
Confused, Destro and I tried to decide what my catchphrase actually is and we’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities:
Cobra! Retreat!
Boom!...
And Also...
Has anybody seen Storm Shadow? He said he had some unfinished business to take care of but that was days ago. Should we be checking the bathrooms, hospitals, alleyways?
Truthfully I wouldn’t care so much but he owes me fifty bucks, the louse.
Leftovers
I have a bit of a confession to make. Every night, after dinner is served and the troops are getting ready to get back to their stations, I walk through the lunch room in civvies (not to be confused with Skivvies) to see if any of the vipers opted not to eat their desserts. This weekend the desserts were tiny fudge brownies, and now I have enough of them to weigh down a Flight Pod.
I plan on...
April 2009
3 posts
I'm not dead
The Joes just attacked in the middle of my Golden Girls marathon. I started one and made everyone watch along in memory of Bea Arthur. We went on a few dates back in the ’70s. When people you’ve dated start to die of old age, it really makes you think. I mean, I’ve dated some women before and they’re dead but that was my doing. Old age… that ain’t right.
Now...
Journalist, The Interview I Did With One →
I discussed calling a journalist a while back and it looks like his article has been published. It ends rather abruptly - I had to leave as my cat got into my dinner. I didn’t want to tell him that because it would have been embarrassing, so instead I just hung up.
Easter Weekend Hijinx
‘Round the Terrordrome, things can get dangerous on Easter Weekend. The Vipers have started their annual Easter Egg Land Mine Hunt. I’ve cleverly placed hundreds of chocolate eggs around the base and one of them is in fact a land mine. No one has found it yet. (It is in Serpentor’s quarters - a safe distance away from where I am now).
If Serpentor does not chance upon his Easter...
March 2009
5 posts
Journalists
I just called one for shits because he emailed me. I think it freaked him out a little but and now he’s on a tight deadline to turnaround the article because of me.
I love being even, even when it’s in subtle ways.
Ugh.
I just caught myself saying “THIS I COMMAND!” in a non-ironic way. I need a new catchphrase. You know, one other than, “COBRA! RETREAT!”
Speaking of, the battle against the Joes went swimmingly yesterday. No one was shot on either side, but we made a ton of things explode. Here’s hoping Spring comes soon. I look forward to more fights.
Turns out, it is Friday now
I’ve been waking up every day thinking, hoping that it was Friday morning. Today it actually was. What a horrible week. I don’t think much more can go worse. Earlier on the Dreadnoks went and got themselves stuck in the air vents. Zartan got stuck first, because he was trying to spy on me (he likes watching me change for some reason - weirdo). Then the others tried to get him out, each...
Is It Friday Yet?
An entire squadron of B.A.T.s malfunctioned today. It was a calamity catalyzed by another malfunctioning device: The Broadcast Energy Transmitter. I was trying to demonstrate the various household applications for the device, and during a segment called “Making Toast For Forty Thousand Troops,” I accidentally hit an override button.
Why is it right next to the “broil”...
February 2009
29 posts
“Two words: Toilet Catapult”
– My contribution to today’s ‘Ridiculously Hilarious Weapons To Conquer The World With’ PowerPoint presentation. You wouldn’t believe how long it took me to find a good clipart of that.
Just noticed this
Snake Eyes was one of the people who sent me a Valentine. He told me not to sleep because he was coming to get me, but looks like he stood me up. Probably for that harlot Scarlett.
If he comes to get me, I hope the first stop on our date is to grab some ice cream.
Terrible Tuesday
Got to the cafeteria too late to get in on the brownie + Jell-o dessert combo so I had to shiv a henchman for it. He was going to give me his dessert anyway, but I had to act all tough to make sure everyone knows who’s in charge of this operation. Can’t have any sort of dissention in the ranks. This isn’t the United States government, here.
On that note, I do still hate...
I Gave In
I decided that as long as Gary is going to be stalking me, I may as well follow him. Hi Gary. Do you want to come in? We’re having hot chocolate with marshmallows in it while watching my Golden Girls DVDs in the war room. We promise not to slip you a roofie and fire your body off into orbit.
Gary Vaynerchuk
My Tumblr dashboard is telling me to follow this guy, but I am somewhat certain he is a Joe spy of some sort. You know how they’re always hiring celebrities rather than actual soldiers in some lame attempt at PR opportunities. There was “The Fridge” who was no better a football player than he was a soldier. And that Sgt. Slaughter has really let himself go lately. I was behind...
COBRA is Full of SLACKERS
The maintenance crew hasn’t even started fixing the fried motherboards from last night’s electrical storm (read: unprovoked Joe attack on our sovereign territory).
Do you want to know why? Of course you do. Everyone is too busy taking turns having Storm Shadow beat the crap out of them in Street Fighter IV. The guy is insane. I thought he was a good ninja in real life - but man,...
“Dude, I just let out the longest fart ever! It was like close to 7 seconds! I...”
– Email from Terence, who is feeling better from having his ankle snapped at track practice by a standing peg a few weeks back. Look at me, posting from my iPhone. How cool is this?
Just Two Guys
That’s how many COBRA vipers it takes to change a lightbulb. We have high ceilings so ladders are needed. And our motto is “Safety First! Destruction, Second.” Thus, one viper holds the ladder while the other swaps out the old bulb for a new one.
I’m only mentioning this because someone emailed me to ask. I hope you’re happy you wasted my time like this. I’m...
Happy Cobra Commander Day
In some parts of the country, bankers have the day off for President’s Day. Lousy bastards. I have to work today. Not much is going on but earlier one of the vipers came by to challenge me to a game of Pokémon. Unfortunately I had leant my copy of the game to Major Bludd, so I had to pass.
I hope Bludd doesn’t save over my game. I have a level 50 Infernape and it would suck to have to...
Valentines Almost Warm My Cold Heart
Thank you to everyone who has sent me valentines over the Tumblr. But special thank you to hotmarcus, who has sent me the same valentine twice, just in case. Now I can have one for the office and one for the bedroom.
To the rest of you: Where are my valentines?
Mistakes Happen
One of the new recruits accidentally called the Terror Drome the “Technodrome” and I thought it sounded cool. You know, in a “we could have a rave in here and hypnotize all the kids into thinking they’re in love, when in fact they are sad wastes of flesh” kind of way.
Turns out that isn’t what he meant. The Technodrome is that underground mobile base of Krang,...
I hate poker!
I kept losing at poker tonight. I couldn’t bluff if my life depended on it. Every time I tried to get cocky about my hand, everyone would fold. I had three aces at one point, but only won the blinds. I tried bluffing with a two and a five. I went all in and lost. I don’t get it. I wore the battle mask, so they couldn’t have seen my eyes. I guess it doesn’t matter because...
Ever go grocery shopping and feel the urge to bite...
That happened to me tonight. Oh man. They didn’t taste as good as they looked, sadly. Had to run out of there before they called security on me. I yelled for a retreat because I had forgotten I was out by myself.
That was embarrassing.
And I still need corn flakes.
Salt Sucks
Oh man. Remind me to never try to do the oil change on my HISS tank again. While leaning over the fender to look under the hood, I inadvertently got road salt all over my uniform. And the Cintas people don’t come for another two days. Looks like I’ll just have to cope for now. Cope and seethe with immense hatred for winter.
My Monday Morning Musing
Sometimes I think about those pesky Joes and feel sorry for them. They only exist because of us, and besides trying to save the world from the threat we present, they don’t have much to do. In times of intense COBRA strategic development, the Joes just hang around their bases and attend schmooze-fest events. The only thing I’m slightly envious about when it comes to life as a Joe is that their...
“Where did you get that costume? Looks awesome! Can I get my picture taken with...”
– Idiots at Comic Con, not realizing I am not into Costume Play, but Costume Tyranny. And BTW this outfit was made my the Viper Seamstress.
Is it possible to open a bottle of Fanta without...
Well - is it? I have never been able to do it. Thank Golobulus for standard-issue aprons.
Friends
I don’t have many, but the ones I do keep around are some of the best people the ruler of a ruthless terrorist organization could hope for. Gerald brought me some Valentines chocolates and wrote “Hearts of Joes” across the front of the box. I love Maraschino Cherries, and this box of chocolate is ALL Maraschino!
Gerald, you win the Golden Henchman award for this week....
Financials and such
I’m juggling financials for this upcoming HISScal year. Here at COBRA, we enjoy making terrible snake- and lizard-related puns. HISSmas, HISScal, HISS tank, and so forth. Actually we just like puns. Puns and acronyms. I think COBRA-LA used to be an acronym for something but now I can’t remember. All I can think of is Coalition Of Brothers Rallying Against Lascivious Activities.
...
Zartan's an Ass
ZARTAN: I have a plan to help save the economy.
ME: Why would we want to save it? Don't we want this world to fall apart?
ZARTAN: Oh, right. Well, just humor me, Cobra Commander.
ME: (sighing) Whatever. Yes! Yes! Let's hear about this great economic plan of yours.
ZARTAN: Well you know how the government is counting on a cash injection to get people out of tight situations?
ME: Okay...
ZARTAN: I was thinking I could give it a hot beef injection.
ME: Ugh. What are you, fifteen?
ZARTAN: No, no. Wait! I'm not done.
ME: Please spare me.
ZARTAN: Want to see my stimulus package?
ME: Get out or I swear I'll shoot you.
Yoga's Got the Goods + Plate Talk
Tonight’s Hot Yoga class was actually pleasant despite being forced into all sorts of uncomfortable and inhumane contortions in unbearable heat.
Tonight, I somehow got the instructor’s phone number. Not her office number - her personal one. I think she kind of felt sorry for me because I sprained my groin very badly. Let that be a tip to you hopeless fellows out there. Ladies feel bad...
Utility Belts
I like having a utility belt. I like it so much, I always wear two with my formal attire. To be honest, sometimes I just wear one over my pajamas because they’re so convenient. I have everything I’ll ever need on me at all times, and within easy reach. I have my smoke bombs, some ammo clips, some quarters and Canadian money (machines can’t tell the difference, so I get cheaper...
SUCCESS! Hasn't Spoiled Me Yet
Henchman 64 found a copy of Groundhog Day in the unlikeliest of places - A service station. We’re putting in some overtime at the office just to watch all of it. I’m okay with this because I had no plans tonight anyway. Maybe I’ll watch it a few times, just ‘cause it’s Groundhog Day and that would be kind of funny.
Zartan said I could be in the Dreadnoks’ band....
Damn VHS
Our tape of Groundhog Day got eaten by the crummy VCR in the lounge. We sent Henchman 64 out to procure a DVD copy. That was two hours ago. He’s been calling back saying none of the stores he’s been to have the movie in stock.
Nothing’s going my way today. I hate Mondays.
It's Ground Hog Day!
To celebrate, the Vipers and I are watching the film starring Bill Murray. We’re also eating ground hog (pork) patties for lunch.
Looking at my to-do list here, and I see I’ve jotted only one thing down so far, that that is “Stuff.”
What the hell did I mean by this? I think I was just trying to leave the office early on Friday night. Only a matter of time before people...